Stop complaining, mama.....

I recently received a phone call from a fellow mama. She was upset and I could barely understand her words through all her tears. She was telling me how hard and unfair her life is. She is a stay at home mama to 4 little kids. She said that she’s sleep deprived and tired from all the cooking, cleaning, diaper changes, and the massive pile of laundry that’s begging to be washed. The constant nagging from her children and the trying to please her very picky eaters. She was upset about the new plushy rug that didn’t look new anymore due to dried gum and chocolate stains. “I give up” she kept on saying… “I can’t ever go out with my girlfriends because my husband works late and by the time he comes home, I’m too tired.” She was upset about not having a reliable babysitter therefore she can't go on dinner dates with her husband. She was upset that she can’t take a shower without being interrupted by one of her kids. The last thing I remember her saying was “And to make matters even worse, I totally forgot about the big sale at Macy’s!". 

This mama was sad. My heart was breaking, but not for her…

Before you think that I’m heartless and have no compassion, just hear me out.

Two years ago I was standing in front of a mud hut in Pemba, Mozambique. There was this sweet mama that had lost her husband to a horrible accident and was left alone with a newborn and a 4 year old. Her hut was the size of my king sized bed. She had a tiny bed where the three of them slept and there was a piece of plastic tucked behind the bed for them to cover themselves from the rain due to massive holes in the ceilings. The big ditch outside, that they called their bathroom, was overflowing and you needed to walk a long distance to reach the well for clean water. I stood silently inside her house completely shocked. This was my first time coming back to Africa as a mama bear. I could feel her pain. She kept apologizing for her crying baby and mentioned that she didn’t have enough breastmilk and the baby was hungry. Since I was still breastfeeding my one year old back home, I offered to nurse her baby and this sweet Mozambican mama gladly handed me the baby.

So here I am sitting in a mug hut, breastfeeding a little African baby…tears running down my face. My heart was breaking in so many pieces that it was getting hard for me to breathe. I couldn’t imagine living in this mud hut, let alone with my 2 kids at that time. Toward the end of my breastfeeding session, the little newborn had a massive blowout that leaked through my skirt. Smiling, I wiped away my tears, and handed her back to her mama. This baby was fed and fast asleep and that made my heart so happy. That day, we left her mud hut with bags of corn, rice, baby formula, bottles, and toiletries. Later that night I climbed into bed with a heavy heart. I quietly sobbed most of the night trying not to wake my amazing friend and fellow missionary sleeping in the bed next to me. I’ve seen all of this before! This was like my tenth time coming back to Africa, so what was wrong with me? But you see, this time all I could think about were my two babies back home in the States and how blessed and fortunate they are. 

The rest of my week in Africa consisted of meeting more amazing and brave mamas and listening to each of their life stories. A lot of these women were raped and left alone to raise the kids. Most of these women were struggling to find food for their children. When we walked to another mama’s mud hut, along the way, I saw little babies sitting naked in the dirt chewing on sticks. Little kids carrying babies on their backs begging for money for food. My mama's heart couldn’t handle it. 

So fast forward back to my phone conversation…This suburban mama was finally done talking and was waiting for a response, but I couldn’t give her one.  ❗️(I want to let you all know that I did encourage the mama, prayed for her, and that she is NOT DEPRESSED, but that she also encouraged me to write this post as a reminder to US ALL that we can so easily get upset over the small things like missing a sale and then our whole day is ruined. What I meant by saying that I couldn’t give her a response is regarding the missing the sale, chocolate on the rug, can’t take a shower alone...Not issues to get depressed over.❤️ )❗️

You see I’m a mama of 3 now and I know how difficult it is to be needed every second of the day. To hold a sick baby all through the night and to dig through a pile of dirty laundry looking for something for my son to wear to his baseball practice…To make dinner while nursing my baby and giving my almost 6 year old son (whom i homeschool) his spelling quiz. I know what it means to put on a clean shirt, but still face my son's coach with a massive baby spit stain. At times my days get so crazy driving around town all day, dealing with toddler tantrums and sibling's fighting that I just want to scream, but at the end of the day my babies ALWAYS go to bed with full bellies, freshly bathed and tucked into their cozy beds in their freshly washed pj's. Every single night I go to sleep with my heart full of gratitude. 

I am so grateful for the 24 hour stores that carry fever medicine should my child need it in the middle of the night. I am so grateful for the clean running water in my home and the fully stocked refrigerator and pantry. For the massive washer and dryer that washes and dries the clothes for me, and for the plushy rug that my toes feel as soon as I get out of bed. For my husband who brings home the paycheck and loves to spend time with his family..I’m grateful for my house, car, church and so on. 

Staying in this grateful mindset is what keeps me sane. I hear a lot about how so many mama’s suffer depression after childbirth and I am so fortunate for not going through that and I really think what helped me is by staying in a grateful mindset. You see I never start my day without prayer and worship. Every time my newborn woke me up for a midnight feeding, I would think of all the mama’s who are doing the VERY SAME THING, but in a mud hut or on the side of the street somewhere because she is HOMELESS. Every time my baby would get sick I think about a mama dealing with the very exact thing in a refugee camp without medication or clean water and electricity. Every time my babies would make a fuss about me making them eat their vegetables I would think of a mama I met in Africa who couldn’t find food for her babies and witnessed one of her children starve to death. I CAN’T IMAGINE telling my crying 3 year old that mommy can’t give her anything to eat and she has to go to sleep hungry, again. Every time I go to my laundry room I remember the time my husband and I lived in Africa as newlyweds and he had to get water from the well so 
I could wash our laundry by hand. At the end of the day I was exhausted and we ended up hiring a lady to help me with it. I can’t even imagine washing all the kid’s clothes by hands including their poopy nappies.

Us Western Suburban mama’s are SPOILED. I am especially talking to the influential suburban mamas who create YouTube videos about how difficult motherhood is for them..they love to create videos showing off their messy mom buns, wearing their designer yoga pants and sunnies, while rolling down the street in their fancy SUVs with their children eating hot chick-fil-a in the backseat…WE HAVE IT GOOD, MAMA. It doesn’t mean that we don’t go through hardships and extreme exhaustion and sleep deprivation, but at least we’re going through all of that with a roof over our heads, clean water coming out of our sinks, and every store imaginable at our fingertips..…STOP COMPLAINING, mama.

What makes us any different from the moms living in poverty in a third world nation? Or even a single mama hustling and making ends meet trying to provide for her children here in the states? We are all mothers! We all feel pain and heartache. We all worry and care so deeply for our children. The crazy thing is that during my multiple trips to the poorest places around Africa, I never met a mama that complained about laundry or that she couldn’t hang out with her girlfriends.

Don’t get me wrong, I’M ALL FOR SELF-CARE! And if you’re fortunate enough to live near family that can watch your babies, then by all means, take time off, but also think of it as a privilege, because most mamas around the world don’t have that. This is not me attacking the privileged and saying that if you live in a nice house and have a car you have it easy! I know that even the wealthiest people go through hard times that has nothing to do with money. I am talking about changing your mindset! I can guarantee that when we start being grateful for even the small things, like a flushing toilet, you’ll live a more joyous life! The bible warns us about not letting anything steal our joy…Our tongue has so much power! If we start noticing how blessed we are we’ll start seeing our life through a different lens. 

I once attended a mommy meet-up and I remember leaving that gathering empty and devastated. Each mama shared how difficult her life it. How tired they were, how insensitive their husbands are, how crazy their kids are. Is fellowship necessary? Absolutely! How I wish that instead of complaining they would talk about how to overcome the hardships! I wish that we all prayed and worship together because thats your only source of strength…God. I’m not asking you to be fake and pretend that nothing is wrong! I am asking you to look around and see how BLESSED you are. 

Yes it’s hard, mama, but what are you going to do about it? Talking about hardships is important, but it’s just as important to talk about how to overcome them! Complaining will get you nowhere but a dead end and an anti-depression prescription. 

A lot of times mamas complain because they want to be noticed and appreciated. I have to agree that most moms are very unappreciated. I’m pretty sure most husbands don’t even notice all the things that a mama does for him, the kids, and others. I know how everything can change when my husband tells me how thankful he is for me and for everything that I do and that he appreciates me…But know that even if we think that nobody notices or cares that GOD sees you and motherhood is one of the biggest ministries and priveledges. God will reward you for all of your hard work and you will see the fruit of your labor in your children and household. 

your fellow mama,

Nadia Tari ❤