My husband doesn’t complete me...

I remember the day I met my husband. It was morning, but already sweltering in the early light of the morning African sunrise. I was kneeling on red dirt in the prayer hut completely surrendering to God. “I don’t want to get married, I want to be a missionary and only serve You!” I prayed. Suddenly, a big black lab came up and bit my leg. I jumped up in panic just to find the dog looking back at me playfully with his tail wagging. Later that night, while eating greasy chicken with our hands in the orphanage cafeteria, my roommates told me that the dog belonged to the man who just walked in through the doorway. I caught his eye and loudly said, “You need to tie-up that dog of yours! There are children on this base!” David (the dog owner) smiled at me and went on his way. Later that night I heard a faint knock on my door. It was David holding a plate of delicious, freshly baked brownies. Long story short, eight months later we were married. David and I travelled back to Pemba, Mozambique after the wedding. We moved into a sweet little house up on a hill overlooking the mission base. We had a small garden, and a spectacular view of the warm, blue Indian Ocean on the horizon. The windows were made of mosquito net to keep the bugs out, running water was a bit unreliable and the electricity would occasionally turn off at random. At first it was quite romantic to wake up and have my husband fetch water from the well while I cooked breakfast on a tiny gas stove. We would ride our motorcycle up the coastline to buy fresh fruits and veggies from mamas sitting on the side of the beachside road. Life was dreamy…at least for a few short weeks…

At some point, fetching water from the well wasn’t so romantic anymore. Sweet talks quickly became whisper arguments..Why would we whisper? Well since we didn’t have glass on the windows all the neighbors could hear you sneeze let alone yell.

The lack of electricity became annoying and we slowly found ourselves getting easily frustrated with each other. A few months later our passports, credit cards, phones and our prized possessions were stolen, so we were pretty much forced out of the country.

You see, when I married the man of my dreams I somehow thought that he would “complete” me. I had heard the saying “He or she completes me” and I believed that--somehow forgetting that only GOD can complete us, and our spouses only enrich our lives.

At one point I found myself lonely and heartbroken in our marriage. We had been married for about a year at that time. The famous words that I always use to say to my husband were “You are so insensitive!”and when we would get upset and talk we were getting nowhere I would blame the cultural difference since I was raised in a Russian home and he is American.

One night after having a very long conversation with my mama she said something that truly changed everything. She said, “Nadia, just run to Jesus because only contentment in Jesus will make you feel whole, complete, and truly happy."

Well I did exactly that…I started to hide away in my prayer closet and spend time in prayer. I would pray for God to change my heart and help me better understand my husband. I prayed long and hard. The more time I spent in prayer, the less I argued with my husband. The more I pressed in to be close with Jesus, the more I wanted to serve my husband.

In order for you to be able to truly love and serve your spouse, you need to daily fill yourself up with Christ.

I constantly found myself CRAVING for those moments with God. It wasn’t until I found my full contentment with God that I felt happy in our marriage. It wasn’t my husband fixing me, but God. God was filling up the empty voids. It was God who made me COMPLETE, not my husband. Marriage became less about SURVIVING and more about enjoying each other. It was as if I was getting to know my husband all over again. I actually ENJOYED my husband again…And I also saw a difference in him…somehow he became more understanding and more “sensitive” to my needs.

The Bible says “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” The more I sought God, the more I realized how stupid the arguments with my husband were. The things that I used to make a big deal out of seemed so SMALL and not worth losing our peace and unity over.

If you’re not fully content in Jesus and if He is not your everything and above everything, then you will constantly find yourself unhappy and COMPARING your life with others.

As wives we can easily find ourselves getting offended because our husband didn’t respond a certain way that we wanted him to. We find ourselves thinking that if he loves me then he should read my mind (like in a romance novel) he's supposed to be able to read between the lines. One day I’m sure that David will supernaturally read my mind, but for now I choose to communicate directly. It just makes everything less complicated.

Some think about marriage as ‘What can I get out of it'…forgetting the fact that marriage is all about serving the other person. If you are planing to get married for reasons like financial stability or because your biological clock is ticking and you want kids then marriage is NOT FOR YOU. A person getting married should think “ How can I enrich the other persons life... How can I serve them and make their life even better…”

"Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.” Philippians 2:3-4

You hear the saying “You are the peanut butter to my jelly” well just think about it for a moment…Peanut butter is delicious on its own, but throw on some jelly and whoa! Fireworks in your mouth. Same goes for jelly.

This post is not for women with physically abusive husbands or cheaters…If you’re in that kind of situation please RUN to safety FIRST before you figure out what to do next. This post is for women who want to live that “fairy tale" love story without putting any effort on their part. This is for the women who believe that their husbands can “complete” them.

To me, my husband is my equal and partner, my best friend and lover, who encourages me to be the best version of myself, to reach for the stars and to achieve more, my husband is all of that for me, and more. And I love and adore my husband and respect him and honor him and I want to serve him not because I NEED to but because I WANT to and I can do all of that because God has made me complete and whole. first and foremost I have my contentment in Christ.

Love,

Nadia Tari