I should have been dead….

I remember the day when he tried to push my head into the toilet bowl to drown me. I remember feeling hopeless and later that night I shoved a big handful of pain killers down my throat. How disappointed I was when I woke up realizing that I was still alive. Due the excruciating pain in my stomach and the nausea, I checked myself into the hospital. After being released hours later, I was standing outside facing the front door of my apartment. Tears streaming down my face. I didn’t want to go inside. I was exhausted from this life. That man behind the closed door was a monster. I felt completely powerless and hopeless. After more emotional and physical abuse he was finally locked up and I could finally breathe a little easier.

I battled depression for almost 2 years after. I took anti-depressants and regularly met with a counselor. I had a great job, friends, the most amazing parents and siblings, but that wasn’t enough. Every time a new preacher would come into town, 
I would be one of the first ones waiting in line to get prayed for. Each day, each month that passed by, I felt lonelier and more disgusted with myself. My body, soul, and heart were longing for something, but I didn’t know what. I isolated myself from my friends and broke many friendships.

The night I decided to kill myself…I laid on the floor in the fetal position sobbing. Even though I was crying, I still felt numb. It’s hard to explain. I wasn’t afraid of dying. I didn’t care where I would spend eternity..the only thing I remember feeling sad about was my parents. I was sad that they would lose another child. Many years ago my older brother drowned at eight years old and I knew that a parent never gets over the death of a child. I squeezed the bottle of oxycodone pills in my hand. I had prescription drugs from getting a tumor removed from my chest earlier that year. Did I mention that that year was seriously the worst year of my life?

I finally stopped crying…all of the sudden I could feel my heart beating faster and faster in my chest. At that moment I knew it was trying to tell me to STOP!!! The air in the room became very heavy and my hand started to tremble. I kept trying to open my mouth to say something, but it felt like my lips weighed a thousand pounds. My tongue felt numb. I could sense the darkness, almost touch it. At that darkest moment of my life I still wanted to call out to Him one last time...I mustered up every ounce of strength and whispered (almost humming it out) “Jesus”...my lips immediately felt much lighter, so I tried again “Jesus” this time my tongue came back to life and so I yelled “JESUS!” Immediately the thickness in the air disappeared! I watched my hand open and it was as if someone slapped the bottle out of my hand. He was there! I knew it. Jesus was standing behind me. I could feel him. At that moment I felt JOY, FEAR, RELIEF, pain, but also I felt so much love! I realized what I was about to do and it terrified me! It was as if someone switched on my brain again. I didn’t move for hours. His presence was everything…I cried tears of relief until I finally fell asleep.

I will never forget how a few months later I was sitting in my pastor’s office and he was praying over me. He said something like “Nadia, you will do great things for the Lord! I am so excited for you!” 

God will use me? I thought to myself almost laughing out loud. Doesn’t he know my story? My pastor smiled and sent me on my way…

A few months later, I was standing on the African soil, in Rwanda, as a missionary. A few years after that, I met my husband who was also serving in Africa at that time. 

You might think that I became this radical missionary and my life became so easy? Wrong. EVERY DAY was like being in a battlefield! You see, it’s a spiritual war. The Bible says “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” That’s why we need to put on the armor of God - Ephesians 6:11

The Bible warns us to STAY ALERT! The devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour! Do we live in fear and hide? NO! Because DARKNESS trembles and flees when we say his name, Jesus! I should know, I witnessed darkness the day I wanted to kill myself.

Because I lived in bondage and darkness I know I NEVER EVER want to experience that again. I fooled myself into thinking that the rest of my life looked like taking pills and barely surviving each day. They said it was mental illness and so I made peace with it. LIES! We don’t have to live in bondage! Because that’s what it is, BONDAGE! 

I know I serve The God who promised us LIFE and LIFE more ABUNDANTLY.

I remember when I had my first baby almost 6 years ago. We lived in Florida and all of our family members lived in Oregon and California. I had to have my son via c-section. My mama flew in for a week and then had to go back home.

Nobody warned me that it would be one of the hardest times of my life. My son had horrible reflux and pretty much never slept. My husband had to go to work and I was on my own until he came back home. The nights were especially long. I remember one night sitting on the edge of my bed with a screaming baby in my arms and even though I loved this tiny human with ever fiber of my being, I still wished that I never became a mom. I was EXHAUSTED and so sleep deprived. I was shocked that my brain was still functioning. My son was about 6 weeks old when I found myself slowly drowning…drowning into a deep dark hole.. 

“Nope” I thought to myself, “Not again, satan."

As soon as my husband left to work, I decided to pray, even though that was the LAST THING I wanted to do. I took my newborn son in my arms and paced our little apartment yelling “JESUS!” I didn’t care that my neighbors downstairs could hear me. I yelled even louder “ YOU PROMISED that you will never leave me!” With one baby in my arm I grabbed the Bible with the other hand and placed it on my chest. Whatever verse I could remember I spoke it out loud.

IF the INFINITE and POWERFUL God was for me! Who could ever be against me?! 

This world paints God as a sweet and soft papa bear with a long beard…FALSE

My GOD, HOLY AND POWERFUL, BLAZING FIRE! Surrounded by innumerable angels! He is OMNISCIENT, UNPARALLELED, MARVELOUS, and EVERLASTING!

In the Bible it is written that Moses was so frightened at the sight of God that he said “I am TERRIFIED and TREMBLING” 

This GOD, MY GOD is fighting my battles for me! 

The next day I wrote out Bible verses on sticky notes and placed them all over the apartment. When I would walk into the bathroom I would read the sticky note on my mirror:

“Fear not, FOR I AM WITH YOU; Don’t be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, YES, I WILL HELP YOU, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” Isaiah 41:10

As I walked past the bedroom wall I would read out loud:

And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be afraid.” Deuteronomy 31:8

As I walked into my kitchen I read another note stuck on the kitchen cabinet...

"Is anyone crying for help? God is listening,
ready to rescue you.” Psalm 34:17

I had sticky notes EVERYWHERE. 

Every morning when my husband would leave for work I would feed my son, eat breakfast, take my baby in my arms and start pacing my living room like a crazy mad woman praising God.Yes I was MAD! Mad at the devil and I knew that this time HE WOULD NOT WIN! Even when I didn’t feel like praising, even when I didn’t feel like praying, even when I didn’t feel ANYTHING at all, I STILL PRAISED HIM because I knew that he heard me and when I called out his name every creeping spirit FLED! I would PLEAD THE BLOOD OF JESUS on myself, on my son, on my husband, on the walls of my apartment. I knew that no one could take the emptiness away, but GOD... I did the same thing over and over again until I got my breakthrough! Spending time with God was THE ONLY way to escape depression. Depression that can lead to sadness and loneliness, that can lead to suicide.

Suicide is not a disorder, it’s a SPIRIT. A spirit from the devil himself. 

The Bible says that, “Then satan entered into Judas Iscariot, who was one of the twelve disciples whom later felt remorse and hanged himself”

If you have thoughts of suicide, anti depressions pills and counseling alone WILL NOT SAVE YOU, but the BLOOD OF JESUS WILL!

This twisted world, this easily offended and anything goes world is so far from the truth! Some are more confused than ever. The Bible says “You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil—the commander of the powers in the unseen world.He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God”

The same people who are confusing our children about their gender are the same people that are calling “suicide” a mental disorder. They are saying that depression is something that you can learn to live with, and the pharmaceutical companies are happy to supply you with a lifetime of medication, but you see, YOU HAVE NO TIME TO LOSE! Because depression, if left alone, will turn into suicide. That’s what happened to me. I am NOT against seeking medial help, I am not against therapy! Go, RUN and get help, but I am also telling you that you have the power and every tool at your disposal to WIN THIS FIGHT. God gave us the Holy Spirit and called him our Comforter. He knew we would be uncomfortable. 

Don’t just leave it up to the doctors, FIGHT YOUR BATTLE. Don’t let the doctors diagnosis be the last word! Don’t wait for somebody to pray for you, YOU PRAY! God said that those who seek me shall find me!

Apostle Peter mentioned that we were born again into an ever living hope. Hope is the opposite of depression. 

When Jesus said “IT IS FINISHED” the veil was torn that separates us from God! You can come directly to Him. You don’t need a bridge to Jesus through someone else. The One who created the universe is waiting for you. He hears you when you cry out to Him while washing dishes, He hears you when you cry out to Him during the midnight feedings, He hears you!

God, the Majestic and POWERFUL GOD is also the God of compassion, MERCY, and LOVE is waiting for you to call upon Him. HE WILL NEVER FAIL YOU.

What if you meditate EVERY DAY on how God loves you? It’ll change your life.

Jesus is not just a "good companion", but the ONE AND ONLY TRUTH who holds the earth in the palm of His hand. He is the GIVER OF LIFE…HE IS THE GREAT I AM. The one and true medicine. If you love Him, TRULY LOVE HIM you will hold on to those promises. 

Referring to my previous post, you’re absolutely right, gratefulness alone will not cure depression, but GOD alone, will.

Nadia Tari